This birthday got off to a funny start with me realizing a few days ago that I was actually 36, not 37 like i’d been thinking/saying all year.
Then there’s the realization that I’m a little less sure of what I want at 37 than I was a year or two ago.
Or maybe it’s more true to say that I’m wanting less. That while I believe more than ever that I am worthy, capable, interesting, and talented; I care less than ever about proving anything, buying anything, or having anything. I simply want myself: strong and healthy, my mind, my body, my thoughts and words and voice, my eyes seeing beauty and injustice. I want my heart: open and alive, full and also broken, leaking in all the right places, all the right ways, and maybe sometimes the wrong ones too. I want my dreams, my wishes and my beliefs, my tenacity and my perseverance. I want to remember who I am and be her a little more each day. I want to keep being strong and brave and beautiful and fully alive.
This year I feel deeper but willing to to live more lightly. I feel stronger, but I hold on less tightly.
And in some ways I want less . . . .less of the habits I pick up so easily and turn to so quickly. Less judging, more observing. Less criticism, more curiosity. Less junk food, more delicious food. Less facebook, more reading.
And yes, there are a few other things I want this year. I want to live in the wild as much as I can . . . I want to swim and hike and walk new paths and see the sun go down from new angles. I want take a dreamy vacation with my children – doesn’t have to be fancy but should be full of memories. I want to finish my first book. I want to make a simple memory quilt for my daughter who will be going off to college when I turn 38. I want to risk. I want to dare. I want to laugh. I want to love.
So yes, basically, right now I’m feeling pared down to the wants that simply make me human.
I have so many choices in front of me. So much possibility. But even better, I have peace.