Your final paperwork came in tonight and we are almost ready to send off the big packet that will travel to China and that will eventually bring you home. I can’t even believe you are real, that one day I will walk through a door in China and I will meet you, the little girl I have longed for, prayed for, the one God designed me to love. Every day I try out new American names for you. And then I wonder if I should just keep your Mandarin name. I don’t want to take on more thing away from you . . . you will lose so much to come home with us. But I want you to feel welcome here, to feel ours, to feel that you belong. I think an American name will help with this. That is why I plan to give you an American name and keep your Chinese names too.
I have so many questions. It is hard to try to imagine you with only three small pictures and a few minutes of video. I want to know how you live, who you live with and what your day looks like. I want to know where you sleep and what your favorite food is. I want to know if you love school. I want to know if you are quiet and like to be alone or if you are a social butterfly, or both?
I am putting together a bedroom for you. I got the colors from God. It will be pink and red and gold. And there will be birds on the wall. I hope you will like it. After you have been home a year and gotten spirit-strong and found your voice and know that you can pick whatever you want . . . then you can redesign the whole thing. I can’t wait to see what YOU choose.
I think of you all the time, baby girl. I breathe you in and out. I do not know how to speak your language or cook your food but I love you fiercely. I am vastly unprepared to be a mom to a Chinese child and I know you will forgive me in time. I am what I am and I can do what He calls me to do.
I can love you. I can walk you through airports and into doctors offices and new schools. I can hold your chin and look you in the eyes and grab you gently by the shoulders and I can keep on loving you no matter what. I can cook you new foods, I can speak a new language to you and I can struggle to learn what you need me to of the old one. I can bring you to Chinese church and Chinese New Year and I can give you Chinese godparents and I can accept that I simply don’t know what it is to be Chinese. I can honor your birth mother with all my thoughts, my heart and my words. I can cry with you. I can fight for you. I can overcome beside you.
There are so many ways I am not enough for you, will never be enough for you. But I love you. And LOVE is what sets us free.
I miss you already.