I am typing from the vintage persimmon love seat that lives on my sunny covered porch overlooking the beautiful cul-de-sac where we live.
And it has been a crying kind of morning.
The kind of morning where I feel sorry for myself for some good reasons, and some bad. And where all the pent up stress and anger and grief and fear-of-the-unknown comes out in an ugly-cry. And I don’t even want anyone to hug me. Because I guess deep down I’m mad.
And it feels crazy to say I’m mad because of the blessed life I lead (see paragraph one.)
But sometimes we cry. Sometimes all the good choices and good circumstances that have led us right up to this difficult moment in time (which is not really very difficult but happens to feel so at the moment) mean that a cry is in order.
And so this is what I tell myself when I cry.
I say: “It’s okay to cry” and I reach up to the cupboard and take out my very favorite writers coffee mug that Amanda gave me once on a girls night when I felt so loved and I fill it up with the best coffee I have. I murmur “it’s okay to feel those big feelings” and I smile through tears when I realize this is what I tell my daughter when the feelings get bigger than she knows what to do with even though everything is really okay. We don’t need to hear we’re okay, we need to hear that it’s okay to feel, don’t we? I say, ” you are loved, you are valued, you are worthy, you are enough.” And I start to believe it just a little bit more than I did before the cry.
And then I get out my ipad and I write. Because that, my friends is what I need when I cry . . . a little time on a keyboard to feel all those feelings through and remember who I am and that it will all be okay after all.
Aaaahh. I feel better now.